When Mrs. Cluster B and Mr. Codependent Start a Family How I Survived Narcissistic Abuse, Emotional Neglect, and Built a New Legacy

When people talk about wisdom, they often picture a gray-haired sage or a quiet voice in a library. But the kind of wisdom Solomon asked God for? It was gritty, real, and meant for survival.

In 1 Kings 3, when two women came to Solomon fighting over a child—both claiming to be the mother—he didn't just apply logic. He applied discernment of the heart. He knew the real mother would rather lose her child than see him harmed. That kind of insight doesn’t come from books. It comes from God.

I didn’t grow up in a home that nurtured that kind of wisdom. I grew up with a mother who made chaos her crown and a father who stood quietly by while the fire spread. One dominated. The other disappeared.

They made decent money, yet we wore stained clothes, lived with roaches, and were humiliated at school for being “the dirty kids.” There were no bedtime stories, just smoke-filled rooms, alcohol, screaming, and survival.

Looking back, it’s clear: My mother was likely Cluster B—controlling, manipulative, emotionally unstable. My father was codependent—enabling, avoiding, exhausted by her moods but too afraid to leave.

And I? I was the child caught in the middle. The child who had to read a room to stay safe. The child who had to sense danger in a glance and quiet herself to survive.

But God. God used that very pain to shape the discernment I now use in my work, in my parenting, in my marriage. Like Solomon, I’ve had to choose not what feels good, but what is right. I’ve had to step into holy wisdom where generational trauma tried to lay a trap.

The Perfect Storm: Cluster B Mother + Codependent Father When you’re raised by a Cluster B mother and a codependent father, you don’t just grow up in a dysfunctional home. You grow up in an emotional warzone. And no one tells you you're a casualty.

Cluster B Personality Disorders include:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – marked by manipulation, grandiosity, envy, control, and lack of empathy

Borderline Personality Disorder – characterized by emotional instability, fear of abandonment, black-and-white thinking

Antisocial and Histrionic traits – impulsive, dramatic, attention-seeking, often cruel when not getting their way

These mothers often:

Compete with their daughters instead of nurturing them

Sabotage milestones (like cutting a prom dress)

Flip from loving to cruel without warning

Gaslight their children into believing abuse is love

Weaponize guilt, shame, or silent treatment

Create "golden child vs scapegoat" dynamics

Feel jealous of their daughter’s bond with the father

Sometimes physically or sexually abuse

The codependent father:

Enables the mother’s behavior to keep the peace

Excuses or minimizes her cruelty

Is emotionally absent or trauma-numbed

Pours himself into providing instead of protecting

Wants to be loved by her more than he wants to protect the children

Trains children to please instead of question

The Roles We Get Trapped In Daughters of these homes grow up taking on roles to survive. I became the codependent—hypervigilant, responsible, eager to fix and earn love. My sister, though abused too, was the golden child: enabled, protected in secret, and spared some of the rage I took head-on.

My mother kicked me out at 17 after I defended my sister. Beat me. Lied to my father. And still slandered me to others. My sister once asked, "How do you not care what she says?" And I said, "It wasn’t easy. I had to set boundaries. She kept crossing them. I had enough."

These roles are spiritual. They shape identity. They either mold you into the next narcissist, the exhausted caretaker, which can also put you at risk for narcissistic abuse.

I was the codependent, I had codependent traits that made me the perfect wounded feminine storm for the wrong relationship patterns.

The final straw was when it was very, very bad. I had no idea what I walked into. I couldn't say no, I tried to assert myself and I was demeaned and screamed at. I was abused, but I was also not seeing my own toxic behavior.

Although he and I were not healthy, codependent behavior is masked. I learned survival techniques that kept me safe in childhood then repeated those things in a previous relationship.

Over explaining things, people pleasing, over working myself, getting into the relationship from hell because of my inability to love myself, discern properly and use my NO as a NO!!! and not feel guilty.

Codependents aren't inherently bad people. But they pave the way for the abuse.

Here's the thing, when a codependent doesn't see that they have these traits they feel confused. They'll suffer with a free floating anxiety and they'll mask that anxiety with other things. Self sabotaging anything good for themselves they'll fixate on the negative. Breaking free from this, for me had to come in the form of a perfect storm.

I was face to face with you either heal from this now, or be doomed to repeat the same relationship cycle next time.

But I chose another way.

The Wisdom That Broke the Cycle I didn’t want to live repeating their pain. And that’s where God stepped in. He didn’t erase my past. He redeemed it. He gave me wisdom not just for parenting—but for legacy. For creating a family of peace. For building a home where truth and grace co-exist.

I don’t parent the way I was parented. I don’t love the way I was loved. And I don’t live the way they lived.

That’s why I started the Healing the Feminine Spirit live series. Because our womanhood was attacked before we ever knew what it meant. And I believe God is calling His daughters to rise again—not in revenge, but in resurrection.

If this story spoke to you, I invite you to join me. We talk about the real stuff: mother wounds, father wounds, shame, silence, and the courage to stop the cycle.

Because healing starts with truth. And we rise together.

Join me and your sisters in healing the wounded feminine spirit