What a Healed Feminine Spirit Actually Looks Like

Sarah Butler
Apr 28
5 min read

When I set out to heal, I gave myself something most people never do:

Permission.

Permission to fully, deeply, and wildly heal- no one else's timeline except mine, I gave myself 6 months to heal.

Six months to ugly cry.

Six months to scream into pillows.

Six months of coaching, therapy, counseling *although that never ended

Six months to talk to friends, sometimes until 2 am.

Six months to sit in my emotions without rushing back into survival mode.

I wasn't trying to "get back out there" for a man.

I wasn't trying to feel desirable again. I wasn't even trying to look strong.

I was trying to become whole.

During that time, I took up hobbies. I focused on having fun with my kids. We went to 6 flags. We went on adventures in nature. I invested in my business, my education. I learned what it meant to actually love my own life- not just fill it with distractions.

And when I finally felt peace again- the real kind, not the "I'm fine" kind- I knew I was already different. I just knew God had us. I just knew that God had a plan. My gut screamed.

Dating From a Healed Feminine Spirit

When I started dating again, it wasn't because I was lonely. It wasn't because I needed validation. It was because I was curious. "Can I apply the tools I learned? Can I protect what God helped me rebuild?"

I set standards. And I tested them- not them testing me. Here were my checks:

The "NO" Test: Could I say no easily without guilt?
Masculine Leadership Test: Would he naturally take the lead, or was I dragging it along?
Sexual Boundaries Test: Would he respect no sex without pressure?
Emotional Safety Test: Could I speak up and disagree without fear?
Energy Test: Was he too fast, too needy, too codependent?

I wasn't hoping men would meet my standards. I was watching if they did.

And you know what else? I ran background checks-because wisdom doesn't cancel faith.

Wisdom partners with faith.

Checking Myself First

But it wasn't just about evaluating the men I met.

I was checking in, within myself.

Every step of the way.

After each text I sent, I would pause and ask: Did I stay in my feminine spirit, or did I slip into control or desperation?
After each bio update, I would ask: "Am I presenting myself with grace and authenticity?- or am I trying to hard to impress?
I would even ask myself ahead of each move, "Am I in my feminine self right now?"

I wasn't just auditioning men. I was auditing my own heart.

Making sure I could feel inside myself, acknowledge the feelings presence, saying it to myself, and end up finding my true authentic self.

Red Flags: What an Unhealthy Man's bio Looks Like:

You can tell a lot before the first date- just by reading between the lines.

Here's what I noticed over and over again in unhealthy men's bios:

Oversexualized language, "looking for fun, "Love to cuddle," "open minded about bedroom adventures"
Victim mentality "Can't a man find someone good?" "Single dad just trying to catch a break." Giving away too much personal information, especially about pain.
Bitterness or sarcasm "No drama queens, liars or cheaters" "If you have baggage, swipe left"
Self- centered descriptions- Long lists of what they want without any sense of what they offer. Or long lists of accomplishments, how much they make, or what assets they have.
No Vision "Just seeing what's out there", "No expectations", "Don't take life too seriously"
The Partier: Excessive photos of being surrounded by women, Drinking, clubs, bars etc...

If a man's bio gave off even a hint of bitterness, disrespect, superficiality, or chaos- he was already telling me who he was.

And when you heal, you believe them the first time. No more trying to decode broken people.

The Wounded Masculine and the Breaking of My Spirit

The man I was once with-the creature, as I now call him-

Cycled through love bombing, devaluation and discarding with such cruelty that it left deep scars.

Even while I was pregnant, he would yell at me, belittle me, make me feel small and unimportant.

He spoke about women with backhanded compliments-

Telling me I was strong, but in the next breath tearing down women as a whole.

Saying things like, "I wish more women were strong," while disrespecting, criticizing, and undermining them.

He objectified my body-

treated me like a possession to be used,

not a soul to be cherished.

And while he tore me down at home,

he was also cheating-

proving that the problem was never my worth, but his own brokenness.

The confusion was overwhelming. The mixed messages. The shifting sand beneath my feet.

It wasn't just emotional pain- it was a systematic attempt to erode my worth. To convince me I was too much, and never enough all at the same time.

But here's the thing: he didn't win.

Because God already planted something deeper inside of me. A seed that pain couldn't kill-only awaken.

Reclaiming My Body, Reclaiming My Spirit

Healing wasn't just emotional. It was physical too.

I realized that so much of my pain, fear, and shame was stored in my body - and it needed to come out.

One of the most surprising things I did?

I took up pole dancing.

Not for anyone else.

Not for performance.

Not for attention.

For myself.

Pole dancing helped me reconnect with my body in a way that was fearless, free and deeply feminine.

It helped me dance out the pain, the stored trauma, the parts of me that had been frozen by years of emotional abuse.

Pole dancing wasn't trashy.

It was therapy.

It was reclamation.

It was sacred.

I didn't do it to impress a man. I did it to remember what it felt like to be alive in my own skin again.

Because when your feminine spirit has been crushed, you don't heal by thinking. You heal by Being.

You heal by moving. You heal by taking up space again-joyfully, shamelessly, and beautifully

I decided to really decorate my room to accommodate my new hobby and get even more intricate, decorating also helped me get into who I was. What did I like and not like.

What Healing the Feminine Spirit Looks Like

It looks like peace without company
It looks like clarity without chaos.
It looks like dating with dignity instead of desperation.
It looks like building a beautiful life- and letting someone earn the right to join you in it.

Healing isn't about feeling better. Its about seeing better.

When your feminine spirit heals, you don't need to chase anything. You attract-because you are whole.